What to say at a funeral when you don't know what to say
Say the person's name and one true thing about them, then stop. 'I am so sorry. He always asked about my kids.' You do not need to explain the death, compare losses, or find a bright side. Being present and specific is the whole job, and silence is allowed.
· 4 min read
The fear is that you will say the wrong thing. The truth is that the wrong thing is usually said by people trying to make the room feel better, and the right thing is almost always smaller than people expect.
What to say to the family
Four sentences cover most of it: I am so sorry. I am glad I knew her. She always remembered my name. I am here on Thursday if you need anything. None of them explain anything, which is why they work.
- Use the person's name. It is the word the family most wants to hear.
- Say one specific thing you remember. Specific beats sincere.
- Do not say 'at least' or 'everything happens for a reason'.
- Do not compare it to your own loss, even to show you understand.
What not to say
'How are you?' puts the work on them. 'Let me know if you need anything' is kind but empty, and grieving people cannot make a list. Offer something concrete: I will bring dinner Tuesday. I will drive you to the registry office. I will take the dog for an hour.
If you did not know the person
Say so, briefly. 'I did not know your father, but I know you, and I wanted to be here.' That is a complete and honest sentence, and it is better than inventing a memory.
After the funeral is the harder part
The cards stop after two weeks, and that is when it gets worse for most people. Put a note in your phone for three weeks from now and send one message then. 'Thinking of you today.' Nobody expects it, everybody remembers it.
Questions
Should I bring my children?
Ask the family, not the internet. If the children knew the person, being there usually helps more than being protected from it, with a clear explanation beforehand and an exit available.
What do I write in a card?
Three lines: what you are sorry about, one thing you remember, and one offer. Sign it with your full name, because cards get re-read years later and first names get forgotten.
Is it rude to leave early?
No. Arriving, speaking to the family, and leaving is a complete visit. Long stays are for close friends, and staying too long is more tiring than leaving early.
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